I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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