He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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