Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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