Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
