when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
