Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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