I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Randomize
