She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
