Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
