Tell her she can't have a vagina
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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