OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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