bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Everyone says I win the strip club
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
