You made me cry and you don't even care
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
