i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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