Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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