I met the friendliest cop last night
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
