how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
