I'm jealous of your bromance
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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