Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
