Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
