I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
