I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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