I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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