Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
