just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
