The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
