Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

Fav 17 5132 1815
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(337): View more from Louisiana

Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

Fav 13 2047 868
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(631): View more from New York

I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

Fav 3 2497 897
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(214): View more from Texas

I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.

Fav 2 806 596
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(850): View more from Florida

With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something

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(913): View more from Kansas

I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick

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