i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Life without a bra equals bliss.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
