I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
