I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize