she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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