Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
