i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize