like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
