dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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