this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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