I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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