my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
