Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
