you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
