Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
