so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
only you would photoshop your dick
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
