I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
