this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
