my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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