Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
