I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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