My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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