headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
