I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
