why do cheetos always look like penises
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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