I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
