Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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