All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
