Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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