We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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