Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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