Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
