I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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