the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
